Jen Cracks Break-Up Joke at People's Choice
Source: people.com
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn were both rewarded for their breakup – that is, their movie The Break-Up – at Tuesday night's 33rd annual People's Choice Awards. Aniston was named favorite female star, while Vaughn was picked by the public as favorite leading man. "You all have supported me since the days of Friends," Aniston told the audience, "just through all of it – good work, bad work and the ugly. I just thank you." Playing on the movie's title and her real life, she added: "Thank you for loving The Break-Up – I did." Aniston also poked a little fun at Britney Spears, quipping about the short skirt she was wearing: "Man, I tell you, it's a lucky thing we do wear underwear, huh?" Later in the show, by which time his costar and ex-girlfriend had left, Vaughn thanked Aniston in his acceptance speech and called her "one of the great people in Hollywood."
People's Choice Awards: Fashion Hit or Miss? Among other winners, Johnny Depp, who was filming in London and unable to attend the ceremony, accepted his favorite male movie star and male action star for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest via satellite. He and costar Keira Knightley were also selected favorite onscreen match-up. "I've said this before, but the fact that this award comes from the people makes it that much more special," he said. "Thanks for the honor. Thanks for keeping me employed. You're the boss." Grey's Anatomy was a double winner: favorite TV drama and Patrick Dempsey, favorite male TV star. "Thank you for a second chance!" Dempsey told the crowd. "I'm very fortunate to be part of a great ensemble." To the show's creator, Shonda Rhimes, he said: "Thank you for creating Dr. McDreamy, it's changed my life." And Desperate Housewives's Eva Longoria, who was named favorite female TV star, told the crowd: "If it wasn't for the people, I'd never win an award." Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack" was named favorite R&B song, while Carrie Underwood and Kenny Chesney were cited as favorite singers. The ceremony, broadcast from the Los Angeles Shrine Auditorium, aired on CBS and was hosted by Queen Latifah.
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A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off
By Charles Dubno
The Onion May 18, 2005 | Issue 41•20
I must say, the quality of discourse in this country has taken a sharp plunge of late, not only among the ruffians and ne’er-do-wells from whom one expects coarse speech, but among gentlemen of letters and esteem. I have, with my own ears, several times in the past week, heard the elder sons of prominent families introduce into mixed company subjects formerly reserved for private discussion among gentlemen. It pains me even to raise this point, but following a string of recent events, there is no question that the adage bears repeating: A gentleman ought never to disclose who sucked him off.
This needn’t mean a gentleman must limit the discussion of his exploits to his journal. If a gentleman has met a young lady and taken her to his digs, it is his right and privilege to tell his friends and coworkers about the encounter. However, it is the mark of a true gentleman to omit his lady friend’s name from the discussion of her pussy’s tightness.
Why, I had assumed that this custom and others like it were universal and well understood, but as long as I am spelling out the Rules of the Gentleman, allow me to introduce several other equally important but oft-neglected guidelines.
Should a gentleman find himself alone with a lady, he should not simply undo his pants and come in her hole. A gentleman knows that it is good manners to coax his lady friend’s heels as far above her head as they will go, to “split the reed,” and perhaps to turn his lady over and give it to her “doggy style.” A gentleman knows that a true lady enjoys a moderate amount of hair-pulling and ass-grabbing, taking these attentions as marks of affection and virility. However, a gentleman knows where to draw the line. He never lodges his lady friend’s head between the couch cushions.
A gentleman occasionally will have more than one guest at his home. Should he see that jealousy is breeding between the two ladies whom he is hosting, a gentleman does not say, “Whoa, ladies, there’s enough of me to go around!” The gentleman, valuing decorum and discretion above all else in his paramours, gently guides his guests’ heads from his penis and informs them that if they do not act like ladies, he will have to ask them both to leave.
When up to his nuts in a lady’s guts, a gentleman knows that it is quite impolite to smoke, talk politics, or take phone calls. Should his cell phone ring, the gentleman says, “Excuse me, I need to take this.” He withdraws his penis from his lady friend and keeps his phone conversation brief. When he has completed his call, a gentleman gently reinserts his dick into his lady.
Of course, a gentleman who is not a smoker keeps an ashtray on his balcony for his lady friends who wish to smoke.
It should go without saying that, once he has arranged for a paid lady of the night to meet him at his home, a gentleman does not jerk off several times while awaiting her arrival, in order to “get his money’s worth.”
A gentleman knows that accidents happen. While it is an unfortunate and boorish behavior that should be kept to a minimum, a gentleman always apologizes to a lady after he mistakenly shoots his load inside of her.
A gentleman never comes in a lady’s eyes.
While he knows that a lady gets pleasure out of pleasuring him, and he will occasionally increase the intensity of that pleasure by gentle force, a gentleman will never choke a woman on his cock.
If a gentleman wishes to attend to a lady’s pleasure through oral manipulation, no matter what the state of affairs below, he always politely completes his task. A gentleman ought never to fan his hand in the air, grimace and make a show of removing a pubic hair from his teeth, or compare his lady friend’s vulva to two strips of partially grilled fajita meat.
A gentleman knows that it is considered good manners to have an unopened toothbrush on hand for his lady friend, in the event that she should like to freshen up after eating his ass.
Breeding needn’t amount to priggishness. On the contrary, a gentleman knows that good old-fashioned manners will likely increase his social engagements, once word gets out that he is not one to splooge and tell. But I beg the reader, for the sake of tradition and all that is decent, to remember that a true gentleman does not ever, under any circumstances, go ass to mouth.
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